Dropping the Kids Off at the Pool:
A Bathroom Book
By Bradley Meehan
www.SHAKYVOICE.com
Copyright © 2005 by Bradley Meehan
All rights reserved. Written permission must be secured from the author to use or reproduce any part of this book except for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles.
Images used with permission from stock.xchng
Edited by Jay Arrowood
Forward
Taking the Browns to the Super Bowl. Floating one for the Gipper. Dropping the kids off at the pool. No matter what euphemistic phrase you've given it, there's no better time to pick up a book than when you’re sitting on the toilet. In an age of e-books, text paging, and email, the bathroom has become the last haven for reading a real book; it is the library of house.

This book contains a collection of tried and true jokes, advice, and observations from my stand-up comedy performances and daily journal. Each twisted passage has been performed on stage in front of some
spectacular audiences.
Are you sitting down for this? For Liz, Arnie Arnie, Tarns, and Soap.
Protection
Sheepskin condoms are the most sensitive – especially if you don’t remove the sheep.
Trouble
My dad was very strict. When he took off his belt, we knew we were in deep shit. Because attached to his belt was his colostomy bag.
Little People
The politically correct term for midget is “little people.” But, that's actually more derogatory than “midget.” It makes them sound like they're less of a person – a little person. I think you should try to build them up a bit. I think a much better name would be “gigantic babies.”
Sink or Swim
My kids are taking swim lessons; a five-day class at $90 a piece. I remember my mom just dunking me under in the cold blue water. To this day, I still have nightmares about that urinal.
Whiskey
My grandpa had a trick where he would cough and say, “Bring me my cough medicine.” Then, one of us kids would have to bring him his bottle of whiskey. I don’t think the medicine was working because somehow his cough turned into cirrhosis.
Time Capsule
My daughter wants to buy a “Barbie Time Capsule,” so she can bury her favorite things and then dig it up again in twenty years. $65! Why would you spend $65 to dig up a box full of dirt and worms and cheap jewelry when you can do the same thing for free at the cemetery?
Summer Camp
I saw a commercial for a summer camp specifically for kids with A.D.D. (Attention Deficit Disorder). It was so nice. They showed a little boy swimming, boating, hiking, fishing, skiing, and canoeing all at the same time.
Homeless Guy
I was walking downtown this morning, and a homeless guy walked up to me and said, “If you have sex with me, I will give you some candy.”
I know, I was thinking the same thing you're thinking right now, “What kind of candy?”
Sweetarts.
Ultrasound
My wife went to the doctor for abdominal pain and was hooked up to an ultrasound, which looks like a giant auto diagnostics machine. We found out she wasn't pregnant, but there's a crack in her tail pipe causing her number two cylinder to misfire.
Rap Concert
I like when rappers say, “Somebody scream!” at their concerts. To get the full effect, I think they should shoot blanks into the crowd. Then they'd scream.
Dirty Dog
My dog coughed up a condom on my living room floor. I was furious. First of all, who the hell had a condom in my house? And, why was my dog sucking his dick?
To Be a Kid Again
Ode to Grandpa
Wearing a diaper does not make you a kid again.
Deep, Dark
Have you ever held a secret locked deep inside of you for so long that it just grows and grows and continually eats away at you? Then you find out it's not a secret, and it's just a tapeworm? I hate that.
Plugged
Popsicles make me constipated – especially the sticks.
Cucumber Melon
I was taking a shower this morning, and I noticed we were out of soap. So, I had to use my wife's “Bath and Body Works Cucumber Mellon Rejuvenating Facial Wash.” I'll admit it, it smells a little fruity; but, my balls look much younger.
Expenses
I had to pay $730 because I blew a seal in my car. Needless to say my wife was pissed. And now, the seal won't stop calling me.
Merry F****N Christmas
Santa finally came! Then he rolled over and smoked a cigarette.
Wet Bed
I drank so much this weekend that I actually wet the bed. Not my bed! I was in Sears, pissing on one of their display beds. They asked me to leave.
Ex-Girlfriend
I ran into an ex-girlfriend who I haven’t seen in years. That was weird. It's kind of like when you go home to your parent’s house to visit and you see your old bike sitting there. You want to ride it, but you're not sure who else has been on it, where those scratches came from, and why the hell the seat is so loose.
Lottery
I love playing the Lottery “Scratch-n-Win” games. I think they should make a Lottery “Scratch-n-Sniff” game. If you scratch it and the card smells like shit, you lost.
Baby Teeth
My son is losing his baby teeth and is waiting for his “big boy” teeth to come in. I'm hoping my baby penis falls out soon.
Unfortunate Cookie
I got a fortune cookie that said, “You will achieve great happiness when you learn to become more flexible.” After three years of Yoga lessons, I can touch my own balls to my chin and couldn't be happier.
Drop Out
My son already wants to drop out of school because he hates his teacher. He says she’s a real bitch and the principal is an asshole. The problem is that he’s home schooled.
Freckles
If you stare at someone who has tons of freckles, their face will turn into a 3D picture of a sailboat.
What a Smile
I went with a friend to see a 3D sonogram of her baby. I was amazed at the image quality.
Me: “Oh, look. She has big, chubby cheeks.”
Doctor: “That's not her face.”
Talk Dirty
My wife wanted me to talk dirty to her in bed. I had no idea what to say. So, I quickly repeated some of the dialogue from a porno I saw on the Internet. The evening was cut short when I asked, “Hey, cracker. You like my big, black titties?”
Darn
I know a guy that says “geez” and “gosh.” He is afraid that if he uses the real words, he will die and go to “heck.”
Just Like Riding a Bike
If you haven't had sex in a while, don't worry. It's just like riding a bike. If you haven't ridden a bike in a while, don't worry. It's just like riding a dick.
Buried
Sometimes I say the right thing, but at the wrong time. For instance, yelling, “Get in the hole!” while golfing with your buddy is not only appropriate, but also encouraged. Yelling, “Get in the hole!” at your golf buddy's burial service apparently is not. Sorry, Eddie.
Smile
I saw a sign that said, “Smile! People will wonder what you're up to.” You can get the same results by walking into a bank wearing a ski mask.
Morning Wood
This morning I woke up with an erection. When I grabbed it, I realized it was bigger than usual. Then I realized it wasn’t even mine. I should stop drinking.
New Vacuum
On my wedding day, I got not only a new wife, but a new vacuum, too. I think it's time to get a new one. For some reason, it just stopped sucking. But, the vacuum still works great.
Pennies
Before you get married, put a penny in a jar every time you have sex. Then, after you get married, take a penny out of the jar every time you have sex. Chances are you would never, ever empty the jar. But, you will have enough saved for a few beers and hooker.
Old Dog, New Tricks
I saw a guy at Wal-Mart today with a bag of dog food and a box of Depends in his cart. I was thinking, “Dang. How old is that dog?”
Straight Edge
I read an article about “straight edge” kids; that is, a group of kids that identify
themselves with a big black “X” on their hand to signify their commitment to not drinking or having premarital sex.

I’m pretty sure I didn't need a big “ X” on my hand to remind me I wasn't getting laid in high school. I believe the pimples and the hand-me-down Tough Skins said it all.
Knock, Knock
Even my kids are getting into helping me write jokes. Like the other day my 5-year old daughter wrote this:

“Knock, Knock”
“Who's there?”
“I dunno. You tell me. You're the f*cking comedian.”
Pet Names
My wife and I have little pet names that we call each other in the bedroom. Like, I’ll call her “Sweet Cheeks” and she’ll call me “Tyrone” for some reason.
Spelling
If you don’t want your kids to know what you're talking about, you have to spell words around them; which is fine, unless you’re a bad speller. Then it's kind of a B.I.C.H. I'm a horrible speller. Last year my kids got a few Christmas presents from Satan Claus.
Dinner Dilemma
My kids are picker eaters, and I'll admit it, they get it from me. So, my wife always gives the food really cool names so they'll eat it, like “Superman Spinach” and “Barbie Beets.” She says if you tell them it's something they really, really like, they'll eat it. I thought that was a cool idea. Then I sat back down and finished my “Big Black Titty Broccoli.”
Shooting Star
Ode to Grandma:
Urinating in your pantsuit does not make you an astronaut.
Las Vegas
I just saw one of those commercials from the Las Vegas Tourist Bureau that said, “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.” But, that's not true. My ex-girlfriend just happened to go to Vegas, but that crazy bitch came back.
Cravings
Women crave strange things during pregnancy. My neighbor's wife craved sausage. My wife craved my neighbor's sausage.
Sleek, Fast
Men drive big fast cars to attract fast women. I drive a small black car. Your ass is mine Gary Coleman.
Snowmen
We just got our first snowfall of the year. So, the kids and I spent the afternoon making snowmen out of snow boys.
Fun with Pumpkins
Here's a fun idea for the kids that I read in this month's Family magazine.
Before carving your pumpkin, imagine you really hate orange people, then start cutting.
Opinions Are Like...
I saw a girl on the Medical Channel who was born without an anus. Does that mean she doesn't have an opinion either?
Miracle
A miracle occurred during my baby's baptism. As the priest lowered her tiny little body into the water, she closed her eyes, raised her hands to the sky, and then yelled, “Marco?”
Slow Ride
Have you ever been so drunk that it feels like the room is spinning? Then, you realize you’ve been riding on someone’s suitcase on the baggage claim at the airport?
Scratching Post
I just found out that I might be allergic to groupies. Every time I'm with one, my back breaks out into long red scratches.
Triptofun
Taking a Thanksgiving Day nap with your hand down the front of your pants is perfectly acceptable. Taking a Thanksgiving Day nap with your hand down the front of someone else's pants apparently is not. Sorry about that, Uncle Paul.
Monkeys
When I was little, my mom used to say, “Monkey see, monkey do.” I never really knew what that meant. So, one time when we were at the zoo, I threw some shit at her.
Urinal Cake
The urinal at the bar had a big, pink urinal cake at the bottom of it. After a few beers, it started to look a lot like a big, pink Hostess
Marshmallow Snow Ball; but, it tasted more like Ding Dongs.
Not My Name
My grandma was a sweet, little old lady. But, sometimes she'd get my name wrong. She'd say, “Chuck...”
And I'd say, “That's not my name, grandma.”
And she'd say, “Well, you were a mistake anyway, so who gives a shit?”
Tourettes
F*ck Tourettes!
Dumb Girl
I was talking to a girl, and she said it was her birthday. When I asked her how old she was, she looked confused. So, I asked her, “How many fingers she was.” She said, “Four, if I relax.”
Slip of the Tongue
I had a weird slip of the tongue today. I was telling a lady at work what quail tasted like. I was going to say it tasted like fowl, but at the very last second I decided to say duck instead. Somehow I slipped and accidentally said, “Your tits look like f*cking mud flaps.”
Haunted Mansion
This Halloween, I went through a big haunted mansion in the neighborhood. It was really dark and scary; they had dogs barking and everything. At the end I got a bag full of DVDs and coins. Then I ran home before the owners woke up.
Dying of Thirst
I read that if you were dying of thirst, you could actually drink your own urine. It's like 99% water. The problem is the other 1% tastes kind of like piss.
Chinese Tattoo
I saw a girl with a tattoo right above her butt of some Chinese letters. Someone asked if it was Chinese for “Slap Cock Here.” She said, “First of all, it's Japanese and that's the name of my dead sister.” I guess there’s no joke here; I just thought it was weird that she had a dead Japanese sister named “Slap Cock Here.”
Laughter is the Best Medicine
They say laughter is the best medicine. So, the other day I went to visit some sick kids. They were right. Laughing at those kids made me feel so much better about myself.
Don’t Make Eye Contact
I had to go into a really bad part of town last night. It was so bad that I actually heard an owl say, “Who dat is? Who dat is?”
Validation
Comedy is the only job where you have to constantly validate your career choice to everyone whenever they find out what you do for a living. People always say, “Oh, you're a comic? Tell me a joke.” You would never do that to anyone else. You would never say, “Oh, you're a roofer? Teach me Spanish.”
About the Author
Bradley 101
I speak Italian. The first word I ever learned was accendino, which means lighter + I'm a stand-up comedian + I'm addicted to Carmex + "I like big butts and I cannot lie" + Whenever I read aloud to children, I yawn uncontrollably + I adopted a Golden Retriever named Lucky from the pound + I can gleek + Salty Iguana steak fajitas + I have urinal phobia, which means I hate using urinals + Glasses are sexy + If I really think about sex (I mean really think about it), I sneeze + I make beer + PF Chang's Lettuce Wraps + My porn name would be "Johnny Depth" + I act in independent films (I'm currently playing a high school teacher) + Horizontal stripes + I like girls either really short or really tall + My minor in college was math, but I can barely add two numbers + Foreign accents + Plinko on The Price is Right + Bjork + Eye contact + Terrell Owens touchdown celebrations + Gate's BBQ + Wonderland Avenue, by Danny Sugerman + Thunderstorms + I rarely eat candy, but if I do it's a Reese's + I've never hit a baseball – even at a batting cage + Quoting obscure lines from 80's movies ("I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen" – Say Anything) + Brown eyes + My friends in Italy thought my name was ‘Bread’ and I never corrected them + Project Greenlight + An old Italian man once wrote on my comedy notebook "Si lavora e si fatica per la pancia e la fica," which means “Work hard for a big belly and some sex” (but, it’s a bit dirtier than that) + I can't sleep unless there is a fan running + Eddie Haskell + Catching Fire Flies + Choose Your Own Adventure books + Going out for breakfast + If you rearrange the letters of my last name, it spells "HeeMan" + Christmas Eve + Kids laughing + Rimini, Italy + FIFA 2005 + Kissing + I'm a “people person” who hates people + Opie and Anthony + Cotton candy at baseball games + Lost in Translation + Taking naps + The Cure + Cabernet Sauvignon + Low-mileage moms + First sip of coffee in the morning + I hate when my hands smell like food. I have to wash them immediately after I eat + I'm horrible with directions: you have to reduce them down to left and right instead of west and east + Green Bay Packers + I brought a kiddie pool when I was deployed to the first Gulf War + Reading the "Missed Connections" in the personal ads (desperate, but strangely romantic) + I talked so much in school that I had to bring a note home from 3rd grade each Friday that said whether or not I could watch CHiPs (Side Note: I was "Ponch" for Halloween that year) + Nervous butterflies + Hereford House KC Strip with the blue cheese peppercorn topping + Radiohead + Sharp insults, sharper comebacks + Playstation Portable (PSP) + I've been to more countries than states + I hate pie crust + Fake nails, real boobs + 80's music + Ivy (the band, not the plant) + I'm scared of petting zoos + Chamomile tea on a cold night + Boulevard beer + First crush: Heather Hill + Brunettes + I leave the water running when I brush my teeth + Flirting + Donnie Brasco + Esthero + I sleep on top of the covers with my own blanket + Brian Regan + Black coffee, black beer, and what the hell, black chicks + I spent 8 years in the Air Force + Penne Rustica + I barely graduated high school, but I graduated Cum Laude from college + Patio Fireplace + Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts + I'm half Irish and half Italian, which means I have my dad's albino skin and my mom's small penis + Popeye’s fried chicken with a jalapeno + Limoncello + Callaway Big Bertha Golf Clubs + Old school video games (Pac Man, Frogger, Joust, Defender) + I've never seen an episode of Star Trek + Ratchet and Clank + Bruschetta + Widmer Hefeweisen (from the tap, not the bottle) + Sarcasm + Office Space + Tailgating at the Chief's games + Corollo's Italian Grocery sandwhiches + Bulgogi and rice + People watching

Bradley Meehan

www.shakyvoice.com